A guy in tie

Working at offices with a strict dresscode makes me wonder...does a guy in tie look good, or is he just following a strict dresscode that makes him look like a kid in privat school? I mean, come on... It's OK to see one guy walking around in a suit, but when I see a bunch of them, it's like a bunch of kids on a day trip. Who dares to be different? Or maybe that's the point...to melt in. Fuck your own ideas and individuality and melt into the mold of the perfect employee. Cause who wants to stick out and stand alone...who wants to be unique?

When we're kids we learn how to go our own way, dare to be different and dare to stand strong. We are encouraged to speak up and express our thoughts. But I guess when we become adults we learn to do the opposite...stand back and be like everyone else. And I think guys actually like to be on a leash...I mean, in a tie. It makes them feel like one of the suits. And if they do something wrong, the boss can just pull that leash and get them on the right track again... What an exciting life!

A city of strangers

Don't look at me...asshole!!! People on the subway get really disturbed when someone else look at them for more than a few seconds...and it's probably the same with me most mornings. Thank god for Metro, we have something to stare at for the 20+ minutes in a crowed subway... And if someone say something...freaks. Don't talk to someone you don't know. It's a rule in the city. The city of strangers. Cause here, we don't care about others, we care about ourselves, and maybe a handful of family members and friends. But don't think I'm gonna take time to talk to a stranger...no way.

It's funny, cause as soon as we travel and leave this city or this country, the rules changes. We become openminded, outgoing, positive and contact seeking. We have left our safe little world and now we're ready to meet new people and do exciting things. But back home again we have a clear message... Stay away from me!

One guy came up to me when I was sitting outside a museum this summer... He just started talking and I did get annoyed, cause I was writing in my journal. Fine...say what you need to say and leave, I thought. But friendly as I can be, I did have a small conversation with him, and before I knew it we were chatting away for 30 minutes or so... Nice guy from Italy, but confused over the Swedish attitude to be "left alone". It might be that way in Sweden, but honestly, I think it's that way in cities... You don't really chat away with strangers in New York either, or Rome(well maybe if they could speak English!).

So, I live in a city of strangers, and there's no wonder I feel so alone at times. Yes, there's lots of stuff going on here, exciting, fun, and happening things...but I rarely run into people on the street that knows my name. I'm just another person walking the streets, without history, without a soul... In my hometown, I just have to walk a few blocks to see a few people I know, grew up with, worked with... I'm someone. And sometimes, that's exactly who I want to be.

Workoholic

My boss talks about nothing else than work...it seems like it's all he can think of -work. It makes me wonder...do we live to work, or work to live? My boss spends 300 days/year at a hotel... He's about 45 years old and single(surprise!), but is of course very good at what he does.

So, what is work? Is it an escape from reality, or is it reality. Is it good to have a job that you love so much that you will stay there until late at night...and maybe come in for the weekend. Or is it better to have a 9-5 job, and do something else with your life...spend time with family & friends, hang out with people you love.

I think we have switched focus... We spend more and more time away from home with people we hardly know. We take care of our computer better than our kids. We put energy into meetings and coworkers, not into relationships. And then we go...ah, shit...my relationship ended. Ah shit...I hardly know my kid... But at the same time, I have a lot of money. Great. Right? So what is the focus...and what should it be?

*Singing* Money makes the world go round, the world go round, the world go round... It sure does...but it also makes people loose sight of the basics in life. Love, family, friends, connections. Cause it must be nicer to grow old with people than with a thick wallet...or can we take it with us when we leave this planet?

In my eyes, my boss doesn't have a life. He spends his days flying around the world meeting new and old people in suits, discussing company stuff and eating fancy dinners... He sleeps at a hotel, and have no family... I can't imagine that he has that many friends either, cause he can never have time to see them. He lives to work. Well, it's his chose and he might be happy...but I really think he's missing out. For god sake, he has never even used a microwave oven...

All we are is dust in the wind

When the darkness of night visits me it doesn't matter how great my life is. Last night I was on my couch listening to some tunes from my CD player...and the feelings of complete lonliness and sorrow entered my mind and soul. It's like I'm getting eaten up from inside and I don't know what to do with myself... Who am I, will anything make sense me to me...will it be, a you & me? Confusion in life, but mostly...why am I here? To question existence is strange, and I've never wanted to be a helpless, sad person with too much sorrow to deal with life. I am life! I've been full of it since the day I was born... Strong, forceful, energetic, happy... But a part of me is not. A part of me is drowning with thoughts, and all I can do is write. So I did last night... I wrote a poem in Swedish. It made me feel better, but not less lonely.

What is it that makes life so hard? Does anyone know what they want and need? Do I?

Dark thoughts are scary. It's hard to know how handle them and make them OK... No wonder it's easy to hide this part of myself...who wants to deal with drama, trauma and scary thoughts. People don't talk about that stuff...they talk about happiness, good times, love. Have you ever talked to a friend and said; "remember when I was so fucking depressed that I thought I was gonna die"? Noone wants to remember...because we don't want to be complex. We want to be positive...happy...simple. But I'm not... I'm complex. I question love and life and happiness. How can I get there? Is there a ticket to buy...a one way ticket to harmony? What is the price...I wonder...

There are so many people out there with pain. I have people around me without love, without a job, without apartment...with too much work, too much illness, too little time...people that get what they don't want, want what they can't get, have something not good enough and love something impossible to keep. We are all struggeling. So is that what life is then...a struggle? To get to the next step, to move forward, to find happiness...a struggle? I'm not surprised people give up. But is the exit an answer or just another problem...

All we are is dust in the wind... It's the song that makes me feel just like that...like dust...and when the wind takes the dust, we better hold on to something... I'm still wondering what I should hold onto. Cause my life is good, but when the darkness of night visits me, I feel so very alone...and the tunes to this beautiful song is all I'm able to hold onto...that and my dark thoughts...

About me

In my other blogg "About love"...I talk only, about love. But there is so much else to think about, talk about and write about that I opened up this blogg... Carinas thoughts will be just that; everything and anything that I think about or feel, wonder about or dream... It will be about my life and what goes on in my head, which is a lot.

Also, I've decided to write everything in English. I've realized there are a bunch of people out there who might check out my blogg, and can't read it...so here it goes.

Looking out at a rainy Stockholm. Yes, that's where I live...and I enjoy this city, and my home country a lot. In this country I want to settle down, and one day have a family... I did spend about 8 years in US though so I know what it's like to live in another world... and I loved it! To stand on your own, meet new people and a new culture and try new things...it was so exciting! I started out as a nanny...like most girls...and then started University. And after school, a TV broadcasting course, several trips around the country, a year working...I was on my way home. Weird to put my experiences in one sentence, cause my years in US(7 in CT and 1 in SF)was so much more... It's funny, cause it was a culture chock and still not... So many things were different, but the basics were the same. And after a while I felt at home in my new country...and to this day(I moved home 5 years ago)I miss it! This summer I spent 2 months there and it was a blast from the past. I re-lived old memories and created new ones... A piece of my heart will always belong to US and the friends I have there...

But I'm looking out at a rainy Stockholm, and I still feel good. Cause I'm around family & friends, and tomorrow I'm having a housewarming party at my new place. So, life is good...

Until next time! Cheers, Carina